Diary: Ava Green
Jan 1:
My therapist says I need to start keeping a diary. She thinks it'll be good for me. I guess. So here I am. Writing. About nothing. This is stupid. I don't get how this helps solve anything. I can't sleep tonight, so I'm writing this. This is the fifth night in a row I haven't been able to sleep even though I've been prescribed Ambien. Lucky me.
Jan 3We talked about my mom today. Why do therapists want to talk about my mom? Why can't they just leave her alone? Ms. T always is saying that I'm blind to my adoration and loyalty to my mom. She says I believe she can do no wrong. Then why am I so angry at her? I love her, as anyone would love their mom, but I still feel that rage. It boils in my chest and burns my stomach and rakes my spine. She ruined my childhood. She made my life hell. And she worked so hard. This world isn't easy on a single mom with four kids on her own. No family to help her out. Working two jobs under the table because welfare doesn't give enough and the rent is too high and the food is too expensive and we had to buy our groceries taking the bus and we had to make sure we waited until it was too dark to see to turn on a light and we turned them off after nine to save electricity because it's too expensive and we had to go to the neighbors to watch tv because we couldn't afford cable and I watched the same four VHS tapes over and over again because those were all we had. But she could afford her drugs. I hated her. But she's my mom. And she's worked so hard to keep us alive. So why does Ms. T want me to hate her? Why do I want to hate her.
Jan 4
I slept last night for the first time in a week. Sleep is amazing. I could write about how amazing sleep is all day and night. I feel so amazing. My mind is clear and my body feels light and everything just seems brighter and... maybe a little greener. I love sleep.
Jan 8
I can't seem to dream. I'm sleeping great, sure, but every night it's just a blank sleep. I hit the pillow and wake up and it's daylight, with nothing in between. It's weird. Don't most people at least somewhat remember dreaming, even if they don't remember the dream?
Jan 21
I know circadian rhythms are normal for humans. We tend to go to bed around the same hour or so, we wake up around the same time, the usual. It keeps our schedules up and whatever. But every night as soon as it hits eleven o clock, I feel drowsy and then I fall into a dead sleep. Isn't that kind of wrong? It's worse than Ambien, because at least the pill gives you like half an hour of feeling sleepy before knocking you out. I feel drowsy then I'm asleep. So I have to be in bed by eleven or I'll wake up on the floor or the couch the next day. Still not dreaming either.
Jan 23 I hope I'm actually just crazy. Just a little crazy. I was in bed last night. Thinking about mom. How much I miss her. And I looked at the clock. It was 11:05. I remember thinking that was weird since I usually knock out at 11 sharp. And... I swear on my life, I heard a man whisper "Shh, go to sleep." And I fell asleep.
Jan 23 I forgot about how lonely a house can be at night. And how I used to be afraid of the dark and afraid of being alone. I don't want to fall asleep tonight. I keep thinking about that voice. I know it was a man. I'm not crazy.
Jan 24 I didn't want to fall asleep last night. But my body shut down right on schedule. I didn't hear a man this time.
Jan 26Ms. T and I talked about my lack of dreams. She told me everyone dreams, and I was just not remembering that. So she suggested hypnotism. It sounds stupid, but I guess there's no harm in trying it. I want to know at least I’m dreaming. Some sense of normalcy would be nice.
Jan 27
We tried hypnotism. I don't remember anything that happened, but Ms. T says she has it all on tape. But she doesn't want me to see it. That makes no sense. I'm the patient she's trying to help, so shouldn't I see the stupid tape? She says I'll see it when our sessions are done. As if it's a present or something. She wants to do hypnotism again. The only thing I remember is a name. Raguel. It sounds familiar, but I'm pretty sure I don't know anyone by that name, it doesn’t even sound from this century.
Jan 29
I'm still afraid to sleep. I'm afraid of when the clock hits eleven. I can't stop thinking about that man's voice and the name Raguel that keeps coming from my lips when I'm hypnotised. That name is all that I remember from those sessions. I wish she would let me see those stupid tapes. I drank a RedBull and I had a cup of coffee and I put my foot in ice water. That should keep me awake right?
Jan 30 It didn't. I must try a new tactic. I can't sleep. I need to stay awake, just for one night. To prove to myself that there isn't a man. The name Raguel is still imprinted into my mind. It sounds like an angel’s name. My mom loved angels.
Oh man, I remember this book she used to read all the time. Angels A-Z. I borrowed it from her to read in school, and it disappeared. She was so mad, she grounded me for a week... I wonder if I can find that book again.
Feb 1 Fighting sleep is futile. Futile is fighting sleep.
Feb 3 I dreamt for the first time in months last night. I was flying. I had beautiful white wings, the feathers were soft and made of light and gossamer and something indescribable. I felt at home in the air, with the wind pulling and pushing me in flight, I remember how cold it felt on my cheeks and neck. The earth is beautiful from above. And I mourned that humans could never see its beauty like I could, nor would they ever know the beauty of the clouds and the sky and the stars. And the more I mourned, the heavier I felt, until I started to fall out of the sky.
Feb 4Maybe this hypnotism thing actually works. I’m starting to dream again. It was.... I can’t even describe it. It was perfect. I was formless, but I could see and hear and everything. And there were others like me. And we were all flawless. Kinda. And there was one... he was superior to me.... I dunno, like my boss or something. And I felt so closely connected to him. We had a bond... I... it’s enough to make me want to cry as I write this down. I don’t think I’ve ever had a bond like that ever in my life... not with my mother, my sisters... nor friends. Not like that. It was just a deep, unconditional, free, bond. What true love probably feels like. At the end of the dream, our energy had intertwined. It’s kinda.... kinda like when you’re with someone, and they’re giving you the right kind of hug, and it moves your soul because you feel so close to them. Like that... but gentler, softer, and.... like it expanded for centuries.
Feb 5
I keep thinking of the dream I had last night. It keeps bringing tears to my eyes for some reason. I’m not sure why. I feel like I’ve lost something... something incredibly important. It’s so weird. I’m not a crier either. I can think of only twice in my life I ever really cried, and movies don’t count.
Anyway, I had another dream. I can’t really remember it though. I just remember feeling intensely sad throughout it. It reminded me of when in a romance movie, you can’t help but feel that twinge of sadness for the main character, because they love someone so much that they don’t know what to do, and their love would destroy the other person’s happiness, and it destroys their own. Yeah. Like that. But I was the main character.
Feb 7
I dreamt I had eyes the color of the sky, hair like the clouds, wings like the sun. Flowery prose, I know, but bear with me. Anyway, in essence, I was beautiful. Not an earthy beauty... more like... what I imagine an angel looked like. Like one of those angels from that A-Z book. (I couldn’t find it at any bookstore. I wish I could call and ask mom about it.) But something was wrong. I was scared, even though, as a non-earthly being, I should have no idea what fear was. I was filled with it. And people, people who looked like me, but somehow different, lined up. I could hear a voice, telling me that I had sinned, and that I knew the price for sinning. (I’ve never been religious, so this is kinda weird for me) And my hair turned black. My eyes were black. They sucked heaven from my veins. I no longer glowed. My heart was pounding... pounding... pounding so fast. Something else was coming. The people were getting closer. Two grabbed me, but I didn’t even struggle. I just looked at one of them, and it was like...a pain in my chest. Like heartbreak for a heart that wasn’t there. But I knew that something worse was about to happen. Then I woke up.
Sometimes, I feel like these dreams... I dunno. They’re not me, but they are me. Somehow. I also feel like I’ve forgotten something. Something to do with my daily routine.
Feb 8
I invited friends over last night to help me keep awake. I don’t feel so scared anymore, but still, every night I feel a little uneasy before passing out. The apartment felt a little brighter with them here. One of them asked how therapy was going. What therapy? We put on a movie later, and that's when things got weird. We were all wide awake, catching up on each other’s lives, when one by one, they started to fall asleep. I watched as my friends slumped over, in mid sentence, unable to keep their eyes open. I looked at the clock. It was 11. And then my eyes grew heavy. I knew I couldn't keep awake. And I heard him again. "Shh, go to sleep." He said. Just like the night before. And I slept. When we woke, we all were groggy and exhausted. Waking up was like hitting a brick wall.
